25 Dec Silent Nights, Heavy Thoughts

When I was 20 years old, my ex told me I’d be alone when I was older. She was right. The holidays haven’t felt magical to me for a long time—not since my mother passed away 24 years ago. There have been one or two special Christmases since, but as I’ve grown older, the season has mostly brought loneliness.

This is my second Christmas since losing my home and my third while being unemployed. I have less than $5 to my name, and that reality has been weighing heavily on me. On Christmas Eve, I sat in silence and caught tears falling down my face—a 40-year-old man unable to even treat himself to a drink. Watching my friends spend time with their families stirs up a deep jealousy in me. I wish I had somewhere to go, somewhere where I felt special. I’ve been quietly hoping for a miracle, something to bring me joy and remind me that I matter.

I’m planning to start therapy again next year, but for now, I feel myself sinking deeper into despair. I want to reach out to someone so badly, but I isolate because I’m afraid of being a burden. I’ve seen what it’s like when friends’ depression drains the energy out of the room, and I don’t want to be that person. The funny thing is, I never end up being that way when I’m actually with people. But still, I notice the little things—when people aren’t really listening or when they don’t seem to care. It cuts deep, and it’s hard when you feel like there’s no one in the world who truly relates to you.

Since I’ve started shedding the mask society forced on me, I’ve found it harder to fake my way through life. I struggle to engage in conversations that don’t interest me, and I’ve noticed that most people don’t share my interests. Writing this post is my cry for help—not sugar-coated, not polished—just raw and real. I don’t advertise this website, but there’s comfort in releasing these thoughts into the void. Maybe one day, someone will find this post and understand. Maybe it will help them feel less alone.

This isn’t a suicide letter. It’s just me sharing how I feel in this moment. Christmas has a way of magnifying my depression, but I’m healing. I know I’ll get through this. This is just another phase of my Dark Night of the Soul.

I say all of this to remind you: check up on your friends and family, especially the ones who don’t have much—whether that’s money, support, or family. Sometimes, a small act of care can make all the difference.